Avraham, as it is written: ומצאת —You found his heart נאמן — faithful before You” (נחמיה ט ח)

David, as it is written: “מצאתי — I found David, עבדי — My servant” (תהלים פט כא)

Israel, as it is written: “Like grapes in the wilderness מצאתי — I found Israel”

(הושע ט י)

The students raised an objection to Rabbi Simon: But is it not written [also]: “But Noach, מצא חן — found favor”?

He said to them: הוּא מָצָא — He [Noach] found [favor], הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לֹא מָצָא

the Holy One blessed be He, did not find.

Much ink has been spilled on this cryptic response Rabbi Simon offered to answer his    students query.

Isn't the statement regarding Noach's finding favor, — בעיני ד' 'in the eyes of G-d' a reference to G-d 'finding' Noach favorable in His eyes? How does that jive with Rabbi Simon's assertion that 'Noach found' favor and not G-d?

Despite Noach having been termed a איש צדיק — righteous man, that stature is seemingly diminished as compared to Avraham the נאמן — faithful, and David's being termed עבדי — My servant.

In what way is being faithful and a servant greater than a tzaddik?

Another contrast is observed by Rashi in the name of Midrash Tanchuma, how Noach התהלך — walked with G-d. But concerning Abraham, the Torah says: “[the Lord] התהלך לפני — before Whom I walked.” Noach required סעד לתומכו — [G-d’s] support to uphold him [in righteousness], but Abraham strengthened himself and walked in his righteousness by himself.

Was Noach simply weaker in spirit and beckoned for extra support, as opposed to Avraham who had greater conviction?

Perhaps the issue that stifled Noach was his lack of confidence in his worthiness. He constantly measured his relationship with G-d by the accomplishments he achieved. 

If he measured up to his expectations, Noach was sure G-d favored him, but when he didn't fulfill his personal goals, he felt unworthy of G-d's favor.

Avraham and David, exemplars of humility, both expressed how no matter how much they accomplished they were in their own eyes as עפר ואפר — dust and ashes, or as a lowly תולעת — worm, in contrast to G-d's magnanimity towards them.

Noach needed constant 'support' to plod onward when not living up to his standards. Noach questioned his worthiness before G-d. Avraham and David never faltered, never feeling dejected, always remaining 'faithful servants'. Even if they were disappointed in their choices, it never caused them to lose faith in themselves because ultimately they knew G-d had confidence in them.

They always sensed G-d's love, knowing it would never wane. They never gave up.

Noach though truly a righteous man, in his need for reassurance, never attained a that sense of G-d's unconditional love even in failure, that would have fueled his devotion without any lapses.

No wonder Avraham is fondly called by G-d as אברהם אוהבי — My loved one. (ישעיה מא ח)

Might that be the intent of Rabbi Simon when he says הוא מצא — Noach found favor.

When he felt he had successfully fulfilled his tasks, he sensed G-d's favor in terms of his 'own' accomplishment that validated his worthiness. But in moments of self-doubt, he lost his verve, permitting himself to wallow in mind numbing alcohol indulgence to soften his sense of disappointment and rejection. 

הוא מצא — 'He' found favor in 'himself' vis a vis his responsibility to G-d, butוהקדוש ברוך הוא לא מצא — he never discovered 'G-d' and His boundless and unconditional love.

I recently received a profound and poignant email from a former student, a young student from my days as a High School principal in T.A. Yaakov Wasilewicz endured much challenge in his life. His grew up in Poland total unaware of his identity as a Jew. One day after reporting to his mother he was going to church with his friends his mother finally revealed to him that they were Jews. A journey of discovery began with his eventually ending up in Baltimore as a fifteen year old teenager, graduating from first grade through high school in four years, going on to learn in different Yeshivos. Although he grew in Torah and Mitzvos, he remained conflicted and confused regarding his relationship with G-d.

I share this with his permission and hope you will be as inspired and enlightened by his words. He is a true hero in his willingness to be vulnerable, for in that ability lies our greatest strength. Only one who attains a healthy relationship with G-d can gain a powerful sense of confidence in his true self-worth and continue that journey successfully.

Since Rosh Hashana I started a new journey. The journey of making some healthy changes in my life. One of the changes I began doing is I started to view Judaism differently.

I recently realized that since the day I became a Baal Teshuva, for the last 23 years my relationship with Hashem and His Torah was based on fear. I kept His Torah and mitzvot as best as I possibly could. But I realized that if I missed a davening with a minyan or if I did something wrong, I was very hard on myself. I felt bad and I feared. I didn’t just fear the punishment, but I also feared the loss of the connection with Hashem. I feared the rejection. I felt that if I don’t keep His Torah and mitzvot I will lose His love.

Besides that, I realized that I have a hard time loving myself. If I keep His Torah and mitzvos I like myself, felt good about myself and I felt Hashem was proud of me. I felt worthy of His love and therefore I was able to say I also love myself too. But if I didn’t keep His mitzvos well enough or did something wrong I felt like I’m not worthy of being loved. I felt like Hashem was disappointed in me. Therefore, I didn't like myself because Hashem was upset with me.

I finally realized that my connection with Hashem, my Judaism was very unhealthy. I realized that I used to say to myself “I have to” do this, because otherwise I was afraid of punishment or that I would not be worth anything unless I do it.

So I decided to press the “Restart” Button.

I began working on my self-worth, self-love allowing myself to love and accept myself with love just the way I am as a human being, the exact way I am, believing that I am worthy of love. Not because of the talents I have; songs I compose; smiles I give to people; Torah and mitzvos I keep. No. I am worthy of love - just because I am here, right here and right now. I am in love with myself. And I know that Hashem loves me.
He created me for me to be here in His beautiful world. That realization that He is in love with me made a huge difference in my life. It made me love Hashem and appreciate Him even more. It made me want to connect with Him when I can and however I can.

There is something that we as a people follow - called Halacha. It’s things we must do based on the Torah Hashem gave us. By Mount Sinai we didn’t even want His Torah. That’s why Hashem picked up the mountain Sinai above our heads and had to force us to accept it. So really, we were all forced to accept the Torah. We accepted it out of fear. So why did Hashem have to force us? Because we didn’t at that time realize Hashem loves us.

By Purim we accepted His Torah willingly, out of love. Because we realized how much He loves us and how much we love Him back. Same thing on Yom Kippur - we say in our prayers that we are sorry, but that’s out of fear. But on Sukkos we say we are sorry - out of love. Because we feel His Love and we Love Him back.

So when we don't feel love we have fear. But when we get rid of fear, we have love. We have happiness. And that’s Sukkot - zman simchateinu. Then we connect with Hashem in a very different, deeper, more real way. When I love myself, I allow myself to be free, without fear and worry. I do things for my wellbeing, for my Self-care. When I take care of myself, I am happy.

I am calm. I'm free from anxiety. No pressure. No fear. Just joy. Because I have freedom. No need, no pressure. I don’t need to listen to anybody but myself, my inner voice - taking care of my own needs. That way I can be calm because I know I don’t have to do anything. I can if I want to. But if I don’t want to, I don’t have to. This is what Hashem gave us - freedom of choice. Hashem is my father.

And like any parent who has a gift for their child - the parent wants the child to be happy. That’s why the parent gets the child a gift. But if the child doesn’t want the gift he doesn’t have to take it, he doesn’t have to use it. He can if he wants to.

My father (Hashem) gave me a gift - the connection to Him anytime I want. Morning, afternoon, evening - if I want to - I can put on the tefillin. Tzitzis, Talis. Say Shma. He said to do it. But it’s not for Him that we do it. It’s for us to have a nice, beautiful, happy, meaningful relationship with Him, if we want. Because being in this world, having needs, going through life, experiencing painful things, and having questions can get lonely, sad and sometimes even depressing. So, knowing we are not alone, we have a Father - Hashem  to whom we can always talk to, someone who is always ready to listen and to help - makes us calm.

So He gave us a gift called Torah and mitzvot, If mitzvos help us in our life - great. That’s the point. Mitzvos are supposed to give us pleasure, to make our life better - with a meaning and connection to Hashem, our Father. Learning His Torah is supposed to help us navigate life with holiness and happiness. But if it’s not helping us, if it makes us fearful, anxious and causes a burden in our life - we have a free choice to leave it all behind. Or we can pick and choose the mitzvah that helps us and makes us happy, and we are still connected to Hashem and our neshama. And what doesn't work, we leave. Until such time we are up to moving forward.

Of course Hashem wants us to fulfill His whole Torah because He knows how good and sweet it is. And so do we. So, we ask Hashem every morning in our prayers- to make it sweet. Because we don’t always taste that sweetness. We don’t always feel happy observing His mitzvot.
And many times it’s because of people who sought to teach us and influence us that made the Torah and mitzvot appear bitter.

But God’s Torah and mitzvot are and supposed to be sweet and make us happy. If we don’t feel it, it’s because someone failed in his job giving us the Torah and mitzvot the way Hashem our father gave it to us.

May our Yiddishkeit be as sweet as the apples we ate dipped in honey on Rosh Hashana.

באהבה,

צבי יהודה טייכמאן